Growing Younger

Do you ever wish you could hit rewind
And go back to the days when lillies danced in the field
When the future was open and your cares released
When you still had a chance to sail the open seas.

When your sails were open
And your mind could catch the breeze
To go wherever the wind took you?
As I stand at the pinnacle and look down the slope
I feel a hurry to my denouement
And I long for the sweetness of release.

winter is...

The muted din of winter marks
The death of the vibrance of summer.
For those of us who enjoy the comfort and isolation of the desolate quiet:
the absence of loud colors and obtrusive "noise," in the broadest sense of the word;
Winter is the padded rabbit hutch of our warm hibernation.
Winter is the tranquil comfort of a thick blanket;
a fire that speaks an insular bubble
amidst the cold and frost and a good book or show.

Merciful Death

I wish I were a reaper,
What beauty I could see:
the end of life forgotten
and the beginning of immortal infancy.

I'd be the hooded cowboy
to release the pain of years-
and usher in a change in consciousness
While abating any fears.

I'd be Charron without the boat
free to heal forever I'd roam.
And seeing these things I'd be part of the whole
collecting, releasing and nurturing pure souls.

I wish I were a reaper
to be merciful and true-
Then I would be a comforting presence
even when I got to you.

Speechless

What is it like to live in silence?
I couldn't stay silent if I tried-
I wouldn't be silent if I died.

Life is like so much violence
as is the ferocity of the mind.

i vs. i

Sometimes at night when the demons start to gather
I look back at my life and they cover me with their lather
Like the soap of no hope; grungy with its purifying suds
An ooze of cruelty like the thick of black forest mud.
What's worse: it's me! This guilt I cannot placate
These cycling thoughts like dragons circling
the best I can do is to satiate.
What a little man who dwells in my soul
Who summons these visions: bold but cold
To surround him, protected, from sweet release
Of peace of mind, though I'd settle for peace!
Oh little man, "what do you fear?" That holds so strong to all your tears?
Inside of me you have my face allied with demons of petulant haste-
Preventing real progress and freedom and wealth
Could joy be foreign soil and your own private hell?
I've lived entombed in your favorite nightmare
Of familiarity unforgiving while realizing it's not living!
I see you and I know who you are
You're so deep within me I almost weep to give up this far
But I must gain control and end you: soul scar!
My past, my future but never present
You lame excuse for a wreck loose you bore!
You shit piece of garbage; I hate you, you whore!
As I stare in the mirror and hurt for these insults
You are my invincible truth.
Oh! If I could only kill you, what joy for me!
To not stare into your eyes and see my blunders.
To have strength to not fear and overcome the subconscious.
You're my greatest enemy to avoid me because you are me.
You've made my choices and I thought they were right
Until I saw like this at night and you smiled in the mirror as you knew you had the day
When actions should be made and I don't know that I'm afraid
Until it's too late and it's night when this vicious cycle ignites!
So we follow through day to night and end up at now
I would love to defeat you!
Dear god! Tell me how
Adam had a serpent and David his Goliath
But internal insurrection begets a different type of riot
What of my own mind beating me many times
As I end up time and time again with this poison in this whine
I need my plan and instruction for execution for evolution
You, my friend will die in this winning substitution
You are my will and driving force of hate
Focused in this dream of escape
I will take you down the only way I know how
Success will kill you.
Control! I need it and you have it but I can grab it lest I see you forever.

Goodbye my vagabond soul
Soon I'm going to murder you.

Fever dreams

At the edges of my visage the flames burn its rims
And in elation or deciet the heat burns from within
So that each dream is set in summer or a heated situation
My head throbs and my mind roars in my past's reparations.

There's friends who have no interest in me
And death from everywhere-
Being left alone and abandoned
And apathy abundant

My god! This is redundant but
This heat I find is new
In a fever dream, the world it seems,
Sears hot with the first truth.

surroundings

At times the ferver of passion sings
Like a nail gun to the brain-
The ocean of torment around your feet
As the tide comes in like a pirate's captive.

You know you'll drown but your hands are tied
You know your found but you're imminent demise
The plot never thickens yet there's a foamy froth
About the situation you're in like one tempest tossed.

I'm vehement towards a bright future desired
But I live amongst the fire
Those who I surround myself with
Are comfortable in their myers.

I could live a future bright
If only I sat with the day not the night
And if only I had had the sight
To know the people who fight the fight.

So here I am lost but it's not the end
Conclusion? I need some bright new friends.

The Vacant Listening

In moments when the artists gather
I melt into a stream
Shining brightly with each lyric spoken
Red-orange, yellow and green

Blue, indigo and violet
like a rainbow spectrum of thought
I leave the plain of consciousness
Like a rag doll-
But I like it a lot!

This zone where those around me move
and sway as if their bodies are taken
But as the flow moves with the beat of this orating soul-
I'm gone like a dreamer before he awakens.

I wonder in my absence,
If others object to my vacant form
No movement in my limbs
And my eyes might even gloss over like scorn

But to my lovely friends who flow
Fear not for I feel you deeper
On my rainbow plasma stream I become one
With the words that intoxicate like ether.

What I Please

Sometimes I hear the music
And feel the violent temptation of reverberant oscillation
as the symptoms increase
and I revel in the disease.

Oh the midnight magic of fantasy
The exorbitant limits to ecstasy
And lastly the feeling of company
While I float on the emptiness of kindred sea.

Lest my thoughts overwhelm me
I chase ghosts in forever's breeze.

An Angel Made Flesh

i've woken from a dream, confused,
by weariness and pain-
for in my dream is heaven and
here i feel so tame.

where lion lays with lamb
and my wings stretch on my back
I once was found and now I'm lost
with sentience I now lack.

What curse of Adam and of Eve
do i now rest my head?
Am I a mortal and cast out?
Have I somehow made this bed?

Dear father, protect me, cleanse this sin
so i may stand at your side again.
Give me now my transcendent grace
so i may shout, "holy holy holy" to see your face.

Am i here to help them, o lord, my god?
am i now a prophet to sing your praise?
yes, I shall send you souls, o lord,
oh i will beat this haze.

They do not know me as Gabriel
they call me mothers child
and all of a sudden i hear Azazel
who reminds me i am wild.

"The wings he tore right off your back
so as a human you could preach
but there's no power as a mortal, son,"
said Satan with his reach.

"I was given free will, demon,
so get thee behind me for I still serve him,
I am here to heal his lost
and die if it pleases them.

I know thee, Satan, and have fought your horde,
for you non-brother fought against his word
but I will not be damned so quick
because without wings i am still your elder, slick.

I dream of heaven, so I'm never far
and hell's where you came from
and hell's where you are
but i will carry his children from you
to win this war and that's the truth.

for I am the messenger and you the slave
I'll last forever as you stand in your grave.

Angelic Lament

At night, sometimes, I feel the missing wings from my back 

and pray to god as, disappointed, he answers at last

"you hated my creation and I see no fitter recourse 

than to make you live as one and feel their pains and their sores."

but despite their human woes, the pain I feel is mine 

for I feel the pain and sin of gracelessness, genuine. 

the abandon and the hurt of having nothing good enough 

stems from knowing, personally, his infinite love.

as mortal all I think of is my death
every day
because life falls short of heaven life displayed.

I've spent an hour in heaven
to live a hundred years on earth, 

what's the secret joy of being human?
for unto me it's more a curse...

"Fuck You!"

One and one will twist the heart
for two's the loneliest game.
especially when two is one and one
and the latter's a twist of flames.

I imagined love as compromise
I saw it as give and take
but she, she saw it as only I
and it filled her with such hate.

Why do I deserve her wrath?
Because I asked her to enjoy
a simple pleasure once in a day
with me, who was supposed to be her boy.

another night of idle threats
another night of "your fault"
when all I wanted was love and understanding
not bitter words in wounds like salt.

It seems too easy to just be nice
but without her way forever, life's a fight.

Purging my mind, SOC

If all I could ever say to you
was all I'd ever say again,
then I would tell you I love you too
to each and every heart-felt friend.

And I would die a martyr's death
if I could have a moment's bliss
for a moment is an eternity in
the mind that remembers every kiss.

At times I fragment and hear these thoughts
Here's to another day of neural diarrhea stock.

Dichotomy

There's a demon in my soul
Don't believe me? See me whole.
For half of me lives within this existence
the rest I suppress in half-hearted resistance.

Telling stories helps keep him behind a shade
and on the paper, my characters enact his rage-
in those evil words they do horrible things
that were he unleashed: that's the exact pain he'd bring.

My demon is not like the average psyche
who point out their viciousness overtly; precisely.
I have no idea what he might come up with next
like grabbing the nearest object and slicing open necks-

or perhaps finding the weakest point on a half innocent human
and exploiting their greatest pain with evil skills he's been grooming
oh the chaos he can cause and with out motivation
his evil wants no prize, he is the uncommon deviation

from the norm that society expects to be off-putting-
my demon is caged like the Titans; keys gone and doors shutting
So were the right situation opened to me for real evil
He waits and he plots; how to hurt all you people.

Inside this good heart is a demon who knows true evil
and he's waiting for opportunity; be glad I block him from you people.

Smelling Your Pillow

As I lay in the quiet of the twilight house

I leaned into your pillow to smell the absent presence
your perfect beauty a silhouette in my mind
I comforted myself that I am loved.

And to you I cannot disconnect myself
from far or from near you're on my mind
in sing-songy love long words I recount
the many ways you help me unwind.

As I drift off into delirium's drowsiness
I can only think of you
my face down in your pillow
and my dreams reflecting times of us too.

Life Gathering

I await the day with bated breath
to be around the ones who know me
and know that I like them might suffer
with the intensity that makes we writers lonely.

We're of a different breed, we lot
and suffer with the burden of passion
for in a world that lacks the brutality
of complete, unbridled fits of honesty
of loss of control of our apathy
and no longer the choice to ignore our guts
and hearts that bleed pure emotion on a page-
we gather and find some semblance of sanity
amongst the insanity of our company.
Then again, maybe that's just me
But with you, my family, who can feel without regret-
Well there's no place I'd rather be.

With the ones who fill the pages with hearts living,
There's no place I'd rather be.

True Love Letter

Sometimes in the deepest water,
With miles and miles to swim,
we think a life raft makes us weak
and we are better than it.

But while you're drowning, if you would, my dear
allow me to show you I am here.
That I am not just a buoy to hold
but an island away from sorrows that unfold.

While concerning yourself with those who mistreat you,
I entreat you to tell me your greatest woes.
to vomit them from your head like poison
and then forget the unpleasantries you know.

I welcomed the bums and dealers and pained-
the learned, the wicked and scrubs-
I know that you feel you should keep it inside
but I see you drowning and it kills me my love.

Others may love you and may push for an answer
but I swear I love you more than even that-
I love you enough to take on your pain
and that will be that will be that.

I've given you my life, my love and my child
and I exist for your pleasure each day
so give unto me your discomfort and seek
my open heart to guide your way.

For everything you are and can see
I love you, your husband, sincerely, me.

The Silent Torture

I can understand the rage or disillusionment-
I can understand frustration-
I've felt a lot of emotions before
and my goal towards myself and everyone's elation.

Often I find myself in wars I can't fathom-
often I'm flying blind-
with the best of intentions I try to heal the broken
and with a discussion, of any intensity, unwind.

I can take you screaming:
your looks of death and violence,
I'd rather you say nasty things and be done-
One thing I can't take is your silence
as I stand alone with a partner on the run.

Working Pains

Work a day: it's a year in service
routine gives way to lost time.
I focus on repetitive activity
And at the end of the day, a week's gone by.

Servicing the wealthy who take for granted that they're served
make a mess and no one notices in the herd
but when your gone, the burdens fall on we
who know your faces and yes!
We know our places
but our lives success is not assured.

I make this offering and leave it up to your discretion-
This is why, for some of us, Liberty means oppression.

Drive

Depression only lasts so long
in this song of undoing.
But once you've overcome the grief-
with or without support-
When you've grown past the greatness of sad
there's always that comfort and instinctual mad.

You grow with a rage that can bring down redwoods
your fire can melt diamonds-
In these moments, you must forget all distractions
and live in the soul's violence.

Anything that satiates: pot, videogames and liquor-
Toss them in the trash and let progress move quicker
as you hyper focus your rage into success.

This is your fire
your heart
your vengeance
and nothing less.

I Get The Blues

Hello old friend!
I thought I'd not see you again.
I found life, I found love
and a reason to live.

You were gone and yet
now you rear your ugly head-
it's you I dread
the doldrums.

My averageness surprises me
I'm special to no one
live in mediocrity.
I'm worth a lot more dead than alive-

I never wanted this
but I'm part of the hive.
Each day isn't living
it's trying to stay alive.

First Date

Bent on believing in bountiful lies
synthesizing cerebral impulses at the trough of spurious enjoyment-
There was me as I feigned importance
and awaited an animal of audacious ambiguity.

She looked alright in photographs
but they did her no justice at all.
The liquor was the least of my inebriated incompetence
when I immediately became incapacitated in her visage.

The facial features were mathematically congruent
as if she had been cut from clouds by Michelangelo.
Her eyes were inescapable and her look was electricity to the spine.

The night became a blur from there
The way I can't remember amazing dreams
but I did something right that night
because here she is right next to me.

Poetry is...

A firecracker in the heart
that connects the brain to make it start
vomiting up soul that's hot or cold
but can't be controlled anymore.

It's each follicle of hair tingling on the back of your neck-
Trying to speak a feeling
in written form.

Any emotion

Every emotion
Living on a page
for you to read.

Misfit

 It's like an ocean of acid
a goblet of poison given with gusto.
Walking the edge of the knife
as it cuts your feet.

This waking nightmare
of being the circle in squares
and finding a dodecahedron
that matches so well
but is still rough around the edges.

I can accept the differences
but it's getting kind of crowded;
Like the the black man in the Klansman's bar.
I know who I am
but I'm not welcome anywhere.

What I wouldn't give
Where I wouldn't go (if I could)
What period in history that I might have been lost to today.
How I wouldn't change myself for the greater good
while still keeping who I can't help but be....
Who I wouldn't be
To be accepted.

Sonnet for the Fate of Love

The Stars cannot come out tonight to play
because I hold them like you in my sight.
This lover knows the righteous path of day-
but for my soul: I flee the wretched light.
What comes for man that makes him choose a path?
Does he or He choose what he wants of life?
or in such choice does he incur his wrath?
Free will was ours when Adam chose our strife.
My love: My life! I know you in my eyes
but I can always feel you in my heart-
the beating soul but spills these words reprised
Iambs devoted to you from my start.
So happy I am sure to be with you
I write these words to spell this noble truth.

Marriage Into Heaven

Three pairs of wings spread out before me
three faces bore into me like an invisible haunting
"I've looked upon your deeds," said he,
"and I have found you wanting."

"Will you accept the one true god?
Will you receive his son?"
With heart cleaved open, I wept, "I do!"
and thus, the deed, was done.

Night's Allure

I look upon the shroud of darkness
I feel more at peace right here
Power comes from anonymity
in sunlight, there's only fear.

Buck up!

Sometimes the worst of it is in your mind
so seek friends carefully
and try to unwind.

The tension that you have is a choice of your own
and though you feel it strongly
You reap what you've sown.

So adventure atop your chariot or stew on your throne
It's up to you to be a hero
or to die alone.

The Seraphym to the Angel of Death

Tell me what you see
when you look upon humanity-
the faces, the races, the nakedness or decency?

There was a time in the eons
when I recognized their beauty
yet forever's a long time to stand by this duty.

To watch the jealous horde
who have every freedom, his love!
yet scorn their ephemeral nature compared to those above.

I have seen them squander freedom
and it makes the women hags
the men who beat their chests and expel their hot windbags.

I tell you little Samael
do not regret your job
when they cry that their time is up
have no mercy like their snobs.

We are here to perform flawlessly
not to question why
and never to regret
that they all have to die.

Being Honest

Life wanes with eager poetry
Of sentient silence and debauchery
The troubled and their grandeur- guests
To life that we realists foresee.

The angels weep for innocence
While lamentations beget lasciviousness
and devils simply tell the truth
Sultry, sweating joy of youth.

And I between the waking world and sleep
Honesty is all that I entreat
To those I call my inner circle
Woe is dull lest you've beaten its hurdle.

The Lord of the Fairies

I walk amongst the flowers
I swing amongst the trees
The evergreens await me
When there are no more bees.

In frosted flower cupcake land
I live amongst the shrooms
Till blossoms bloom again and
Leaves make hammock spoons.

For I am a wild summer child
That you will never see
Lest you swing amongst the rose buds
And dance with sylphs and fairies.

For I am king of the mushroom ring!
Lord of Sylphs and Fairies.

The Creationist

I see the valleys over the living
I see the hills over the valleys
beyond the hills I see the mountains
I see them fall short of galloping clouds.

I see outer space each night above clouds
and stars in our galaxy, our universe but now-
I feel the presence of god in it all
because beyond the universe,
There's something, that started the flow.

My son

A tiny hand caressed my cheek-
His razor blade nails cutting into my stubble.
His squalor alarmed the morning with shrieks like bending steel girders-
The screaming of glass being crunched and pulverized with great blades.

With a sigh and my dreams being rippled like a Buick into a stagnant pond-
I pet his head,
"Good morning, son..."

My own worst enemy

Reality is the laughter you see
my skeleton closet is my shadow.
I wish that my secrets were farther away
but like my shadow, they're attached to me.

And as I plod the dark hallway: blind
I search for my soul and myself
finding more confusion in a world of strangers
I declare them the family and friends, blind.

Without myself, I look upon humanity as a stranger
To myself, to my friends to my family alike
as if they're a foreign functioning species from me
and in absence of recognition, they represent danger...

Freedom

Inspired by the musical stylings of Aurin: My friend Sarah Anderson's band.
They can be found here: www.aurinband.com

Spurning your insanity my mind starts to wander
A dreamland  of regrets reality asunder
Flames lap the corners of memory pages
I've called them heartbreak while others call them stages
The night brings the darkness in which I can hide
It's quiet in here and so cold outside.

I want to break free
Break free from the fear
The past is my prison
And the future is years
Away.

Waking I see the face of my friends
Live for the day like tomorrows never end
Dreams are my reality reality's a lie
But sometimes I wake up and sometimes I try.
One day I lived and now I can dream
Dreams married reality and I'm no longer in between.

I want to break free
Break free from the fear
The past was my prison
And the future is here.