Ghosting

Sometimes I feel I'm ghosting in this world
a vagrant memory of battles lost-
a triviality like a tea light flame
evanescing inside a beautifully adorned pot.

I shined so brightly in that moment I burned
and I was connected once to the people I knew
and now like a rainy, foggy day,
I search through the mists of purgatory.

My best friends are words on a screen
a recognizable emotion in a name:
Glenn means wisdom, Alex means fun,
Sasha means someone when there is no one-

but most of the rest, as much as I enjoy them
belong to the category of wisps in the wind.
a foot hold on a cliff of insurmountable odds
and I don't even recognize myself, "who's Rens?"

I've got no mobility and nowhere I can get to
I live on an island that I call home-
and sometimes I have a companion
and sometimes I'm alone-

but even my Tonto has connections and friends
and family and people who appreciate her-
why do I exist here, who is this ghost I fear
every time that I look in the mirror.

A beautiful lie

My dearest little boy
Fret naught as you shut your eyes
for wonders await you in dream land
as this day dies.

For there are millions and billions of kids
beyond the veil of the darkness of your room
so sleep my sweet little child and soon
you will be in the dreamland of the children of the world.

There are playgrounds and jungle gyms like you wouldn't believe
so fantastic that I assure you, not even daddy could perceive
of what fun you will have in your beautiful dream
but to get there, don't be late: and he drifts off to sleep.

Time Travel is a Mental State

Yesterday is today is tomorrow.
See only now and you'll have no sorrow
But to lose track of time
guarantees the lost mind.

In Time I've seen such amazing things
With a moment to think I lose my world
I graduate college and end up with a different girl
But I'd give it all up to get off this tilt-a-whirl.

The key is dissonance and distracting my brain
Destroying deep thought so I can attain the same
Dark and dreary moments of devilish un-truth
Come out when I relive my youth and/or see soothe-

Because yes, they can happen at the exact same time
as way leads unto way and reality unwinds

is any of it real or does it happen in the mind?
why am I so exhausted when I'm back to this life?

Dear GOD! Is this a gift or a curse that I own?

Surrounded by people and yet I'm alone

and if I am there, is there here? Where's home?

Forever exists when: all of time, you can roam.

Yesterday is tomorrow is today and so forth

when you lose track of time, you become something more.

View from immortality

These Carnal woes do not desist
but plague my fecund mortal mind
and yet I know eternity
between the two I'm blind.

and though I walk the valley of life
I do not see the living
those I see poorly exist
with such smiles unforgiving.

wouldn't a tale of times gone by
abate their paltry claim to suffer
No.
For man so loves his petty pains
sincerity: he'd never entreat.

yet still I lay aghast at them:
these ants who move their grains of sand,
their personal devils sitting at close demand
while holding these souls in the palm of their hands
as they devour such helpings at the table of fear.

What peculiar creatures I live among
but I do not bellittle their plight
rather I pity them for their nothings
for it breaks my heart: those suffering
simply because they can not believe.

Idea Monster

Sometimes I feel like this body isn't real/ like I'm trying to break out of a cell that spells jail.
What if the power on the inside could be acted without/ An abstract concept like non-verbal shouts.  At times I feel skinny and sometimes I feel fat and sometimes I'm amorphous indescribable, abstract/ the motions are the same and my form lives in my head/ sending signals to this shell that can live or be dead but what is living in a form that disgusts you/ distrust you 'cuz I'm here to tell ya man, you are the most likely to bust you.  If god gave me power and immortality, this world would have a hard time trying to reckon me.  Vampires have the weakness of night/ I have the sight in my mind to be something that can't be described/ imbibe my thought sheople! Because you'll never think like me.  To have vision unencumbered by your fears is ecstasy!  I have never feared death 'cuz in my mind I'm alive and fuck past lives I can't see a time I ever died.  Like a lost spirit trapped in a fragile, breakable frame/  I have the memory of immortality locked in my brain.  Don't call me insane! I am not some cheap crazy knock off/  I'm the kind of thinker that has potential to break a whole block off/  Depending on the challenge I am more than what meets the eye/ if seeing is believing, ama have to ask you to try/ to believe in what is abstract because I've never been here/ I'm the truth without the bullshit when I want to be, I'm an idear.  I stack the deck because I represent all moments of chance and advance when those around me fall on good circumstance and I can still feel your thoughts your feelings and emotional instability/  Stop thinking so loud cuz, you'll think yourself to sterility and there's nothing like a mind that can't be fecund with ideas/ trust me, I just see and feel the thoughts of my peers.  College kids are probably about the easiest to read/ "I'm so stressed," "I'm so horny" "If you cut me, do I not bleed?"/
It's a shame that at a time of learning some people are one dimensional/  It's all too coincidental if you ask me, it's intentional.  I feel with full range and I'm a nut in society/ but I've known my share of fame and there's nothing more lonely than notoriety/ and piety:  these little fuckers think they're blessed for not cursing/  but I don't want to hear the speech you little actors have been rehearsing.  If you truly knew god you'd see he's cruel and he's kind/ but chaos motivates this existence like some are motivated by Kine.  So legalize that shit and try it, maybe open up your mind and if it's not for you don't take the medicine from people on hard times.  I believe in the life I'm living and I'm not ashamed of the life I lived but I would like to break this barrier and become the idea that I've always been.

The wake

Devil's in the doorway- shepherd's just beyond
I fear'd I might just see ye
In the great beyond.

The war that we a' seed
And fought the winding way
Is naught compared tae silence
At close of winter's day.

'Tis good tae know to win
'Tis better how tae lose
I'd love tae live forever
But then I'd a' tae choose

Which battle I can win
And which I'd a' tae lose
I'd rather a' life fulfilled
Then endless days of youth.

So here I am, the old man
Here I am the child
The devil's in the doorway
And the frame is half a mile.

Devil in the doorway, shepherd's just beyond

"I stand in doorways with cloven hoof
And words as sweet as pois’n
To fix the mend we all defend
that is free will of man."

Arrested with our minds in tune
To all the glory we consume
In life ephemeral we will bloom
And then descend the wretched tomb.

And yet his wings outstretch and cradle

Or give appearance of the warmth
That greets us in our mortal comfort
With what we fathom as real.

I’m not a meal to his delight
But ev’n I don’t have the sight
For I can’t tell you with these words
The dangers of the mindless herd.

"The Shepard brings the flock to keep
But see me now, this angel weeps
For first before you cross the door
You’ll see him there and he’ll offer more.

I offer only peace in death
And yet you’d have the life of fire
The burning relief of your desire
And things that you can touch and feel-

For this you’ll be his feast at dusk
You’ll never make it through the door
But in for this wink, he’ll offer more
And for one life he’ll give you more."

A Pirate Song

I take to the galley I took to the sea
And one and one and one that's three
So I swung to the left and you just hit me
So I swung to the right, what's this trickery?

You're dancing in triples and two of you's ghosts
That's quite a good trick to be three of a bloke
And you all look alike so I say we get pokes
In the salty saloon down by sugar cane ropes-

That sit on the ships down in old yonder dock
If we can't fight with swords we'll fight with our cock-
a-mamey schemes we hatched on our way here
to sink these old schooners and drink some more beers-

And we'll watch those crotchety captains get all up in arms
And shout, "keep it steady!" As they intend us much harm-

But if we be shot then we'll fall in the drink
And we'll haunt those sea Barron's
With our funk and our stink
And we'll have forever to go sailing.

The Benefits to Limbo

Nights of crystalline calm-
Of perfect beauty in insular embrace.
The wind blew cold and the snow muted the din
Of cars that seemed a forever away.

I sat on stools that grew into buildings
A blissful throne in nowhere familiar.
Enthralling! to be in my home not home
So far away and commanding alone.

Though I felt the sorrow abounding
Surrounding me like walls tend to go with no roof
I knew there was a capstone missing in my life
But the thrill of finding it was more exciting that the success.

My eyes would twinkle with thoughts of the journey
And the wind spoke loud and I'd followed it so long.
Now I've found my place and the wind's deaf inside
There's nowhere to hide when you've accomplished your goals.

I would say to those looking for happiness
To keep looking because the journey is the happiest you'll be.

Ambition or "Truly Conscious" Oblivion

To be simple is an easy goal
with avenues to many things-
like being smart which is difficult
but read enough and do enough
and it's something anyone can swing.

Wisdom is a bit more tricky
but a simple man with convictions
can understand the little things
and see the world, objectively,
with all its movement and friction.

I'd like to think the highest goal
is to be a part of that ooze:
the simplistic chaos that's life ticking like a clock
and the ability to connect to all things.

There was a time that I connected
but my connection wasn't real
and in my days of drugs and visions
there were so many things I thought I felt-

So many things that I could see and to connect I had to separate-
to lose the rhythm and the rhyme and meter and all of a sudden become outside the bubble that was humanity till I could look inside.

And I cried at the knowledge
for how much I saw and realized with full awareness as I floated in the emptiness outside of the movement of the world, watching the movement of the world in ambiguity.

I found others like me who existed outside and they were just as miserable as me so I tried to get back in and found
there was no way, no doorway to normality
that normality was lack of this sensuality
and it was hammered like steel
until this order became what I should feel.

and every now and then it's like the metal frame
of a cot pressed close to the electric radiator:
I feel the sporadic jolt of a time since passed,
I can enter and I can live there
but
in order for me to last
in this world of order and dignified misers,
I must forget the ooze and the level beyond wise
where one exists to exist and watch the lies
and know and think and surmise...
As if to illustrate my point,
it seems I'm no longer connected to that life.

At least not in this moment.

Extending the fall

At night I wander; pondering
How I can feel the heat of coffee
Hear the growl of the lion next to my head
And still I'd have no idea how close to death
I am because I still can't see to believe.

I've looked upon reality and dismissed it
Because the simple soul reads too much and I
Like to create raw perfection from table scraps and their elemental parts.

I believe building something is far more important than destroying
And yet we die each day-
Because sleep resets the mind-

And here I am quoting the ravings of my own madness:
Only midgets sit atop giants shoulders-
Tomorrow I'll wake with these madnesses gone
and I'll be alone to dream a new universe.

Bane of the modern poet

One day people will know me
They will know too well my name
as they know red means danger
I will have that fame.

Words are a funny thing-
to smith them is the craft to create
As easy as writing what you thought then said?
Poets beautify not satiate.

That's why we're rarely known for our craft
a few followers for the best as they breath
but modern poets need no audience to philosophize- instead
we wait for any reaction to what they've read
and when tragedy or time makes moves to take us-
Well that's when I'll be famous:
After I'm dead.

The futility of depression

Everyone will notice when a hero dies
but would they notice the storm clouds in the florists eyes?
It takes a keen eye to notice despair in chocolatiers
but oh how well the sweetest things lie.

How blissful the life of the dove, beaming as he flies-
before he dies.

a college town

If I had to describe to the naive passerby
what it's like to live in a community of college kids
freshly emancipated from their dorms:
I'd tell them to picture wild dogs fighting for some fetid meat.

They'll nip the legs to acknowledge the others existence
but none really care for him except himself
and herself
for the bitches are worse than the Cur.

I would say, "never have you seen such vicious self indulgence
as the me purifies from he, him or her."

Do not mistake me though these beasts are quick to blame.
"He dumped her for all the wrong reasons..."
"Her outfit's just a shame..."
"Has she no decency? My shorts cover up my slit."
"Bitch..."

Now I know why people make money to gate themselves in-
But if you happen to be passing by-
I just thought I'd tell you about the dogs within.

Let's screw

I want your legs to wrap 'round my back
Your sentient skin to walk and ripple
upon my flesh like the living creek on its bed
I want your ferocity to surround and melt onto me as I melt into you-

To put it in terms that are easy-vulgarity:
Baby, let's screw.

Hindsight

My anxiety surprises me: I'm every way but apathy
and I toil as I boil in my blood with secret savagery.
You might wonder what a blunder in my mind might shine like
but at times it's fire but a pyre in endless haunted night.

I envision emerald cities where the people know no cruelty
and what I see is jaded people who demand it like a feast.
If your hungry why don't you eat you can take your pound of flesh from me
just let me light your soul on fire so your heart opens and you see-

That venomous, vindictive viral viciousness vexes the venerable mind
it's better to sweetly sip serenity and sooth oneself from slime
that gets in you young yeoman: yes! you youthful midgets on giants-
Rich with things and wants but poor in inner silence.

Even the smartest person's dumb sometimes to things that aren't smart
there's nothing that can't be fixed but let's get a start-
Because you people who say you love
and value equality and fairness
are in your own way hateful and blind to sharing-

A view that's not yours a laugh that's foreign too-
I hate to say: nothing because I don't hate: I speak the truth.

I'm running out of steam so I will leave you with this:
To truly love the world you must forget yourself 'cause moments like that are bliss.

Summer Sucks

I miss the winter months: so slow-
Their beauty overwhelms the mood-
And fits the sunshine into frost
that coats the land like in a globe.

The heat is stress and fiery light-
Whence in an oven: await the night.
But stars shine brightest amidst the snow
Why summer months delight: I'll never know.

If only winter could be our break
And we'd leave summer to work and toil-
These wretched months like stove-top coils-

Give me simple soundless frost
And freeze those moments so no heaven's lost.

The curse of power

And the seasons, they go round and round
as we find ourselves in the sub-conscious dream world of reality-
the haze mixes with our impaired vision vexed by sleep deprivation
and hard work; trying to make ends meet in ends.

Dead ends like one episode leading into another
in the never ending drama we call Pointless Emancipation-
because are we ever truly free?

I grasp at straws to have the kind of wealth and power
that will allow me to make my own destiny-
To not have to play pretend in the grown up world
where people dress in proverbial winter jackets and full gear
Because they're afraid of being naked in the 110° weather.

They wish to dream while they're awake
and they want me to dream too but I won't do it.
I have my mind and I have youth.

Why should I have to dress in a mask because my optimism terrifies them?
I'll do it though.
It's a shame but I will because this is their world.
The fakers, the liars and the average.
The most wealthy and powerful live some of the most mundane lives-
concentrated on accumulating more
Because man can't get along and share.
Because one has to be better and make more for healing people.
God never asks for money
and if you don't believe in that, neither do mothers to do their job.

I miss the world where we could be accepted for our awkwardness and weirdness
Where we could build things and create things from nothing
where we worked together to make great things because, for no other reason, than we couldn't do it alone.
When we were kids, that is:
We didn't need validation and stipulations and remuneration.
The difference between now and then?
We wear a mask.
We wear a mask because deep inside,
We're all still that little kid:
We just think that change is necessary so we make rules that our child selves would hate.

That's how we know we're better than them:
Because our child selves would call us tools for making those rules.
For those who think we need them,
well don't we have them without complications?
Do not kill, do unto others..., forgive, etc.
Are not those the only rules we need?
Or are we all still too afraid of the child in the mirror?

Prayer for humble love

You are safe within my arms
For all my days I'll keep you from harm
I pledge to you my willful soul
Until the time we both grow old.

I pray thee lord, my soul to keep
next to yours even after we sleep
And all this love I pledge to you
May it keep us humble and give us youth.

May I always be the best for you
And our love eternal ever remain true.

Stream of Consciousness

The way I see things changes so rapidly
We'll never see eye to eye
Unless you see through my frame of mind.
Once you're there you'll have to avoid the fear
Because escape is unlikely
And this friend is always near.

Unless you enjoy the apathy
That comes to hide the demons.
The skeletons walk free from their closet
And the muck and Swamp of thoughts you'll plod
Will become second nature until your pace becomes normal even buried in the mud.

Sometimes I feel the loneliness of friends I met along the way
But because of my awkwardness,
I am able to ignore the fact, gently, that I'm lonely.

I want the world to see my mind
And understand the insanity
Of morphing views constantly
But the confusion of this
Makes it hard to dictate to others
Even for me.

Maybe I complicate myself more than I should.
Maybe I'm simpler than I know
I don't know,
I don't know,
I just don't know.

Perhaps my thoughts
As I thought
Shouldn't have so much time alone.

New York City Zen

There's something so addicting to the sounds on castle high
Above the world below where it's vigor slightly dims.
The noise might fade but the feeling lives
As if feelings here might come to die.

Out in the country the sound is life
Crawling, biting, fecund with silence
But the city makes the quiet such din!
And far away, I hear it: light.

Oh you vicious ear pornography
That cannot be felt or imagined or seen
The sound of the city from way up high
So brilliantly invigorating, it's here I might die

For atop the castle that scrapes the sky
Is it any miracle we wonder why
From day to dawn, far up here I sigh
And revisit my love and watch that distant life.

Outside the bubble and movement below
I relax and listen to the multitude go.

Good things come to those who wait

My verbals are righteous like holocaust suicide

I get where I’m going even though I don’t drive-
time is eternal so why push for your fate?

destiny will come whether you run to it or wait.

And when you’re poor, scared and lonely fate is like rape

The way it comes to you in the unexpected ways you might hate

But there is escape; when you overcome expectations

You can escape destiny causing sensations of elation

And an open path in a real life you might see like the first verse

But keep your eyes up in your mind and I promise it won’t hurt-

You’ve got to

see life as a whole,

where instances don’t follow

the path of past, present, future

all days your filled or one: you’re hollow.

I used to count the days but as way leads onto way
I now count the years and thus dwindle my fears

You can see life as a moment or you can see it as all moments

And know that pain without pleasure and pleasure without pain

takes years.

MPD

We heard them talking when he said you
but she said us while everyone knew:
that him and her were out today-
and they floated amongst the fray-
of hims and hers and its and theys-
god! I wish I could be me today...

Would you rather I lie?

I could spin you pretty things
To light your eyes;
Illuminate your mind!
I love you, so my tries
Would make it easier-
If I were to lie.

You'd probably despise me
Patronize me if you found out
Those pretty things I'd spout
Were nothing but an out
If I were to lie.

It would be easier to buy
A present to substitute the presense
Of disheartening truth
To save myself an arguement
So long I'd waste my youth
If I were to lie.

So I think I'd rather tell the truth
That sometimes I don't like you
But I always love you
Which is why I'll never lie.